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7. They start or get into fights.
This is a two-sided problem. Children may bully and pick on other children and start fights. They may come out fighting any time they get frustrated, angry, or afraid. Some children may do things that aggravate others to the point of fighting. Either way, it is a problem.
Several things need some thought. Where did the child learn the behavior? Whether he is the aggressor or the victim, he learned the role somewhere. It is not true children often fight. By ten or so, most youngsters never get into physical fights. Those who do have a problem. They think that fighting is a good way to settle things. They may have learned this from their families. They also may have learned it from living in their neighborhoods or attending their schools. Some places are very rough. Fighting may be the normal way to handle problems within their group. Finally, it may just be one step beyond screaming and yelling, hitting and hurting. If these problems go unchecked, fighting and more serious violence are nearly certain.
What if you have tried all the tips discussed so far and he still fights? This is worth a try. Say, “Your fighting is a serious problem. We have tried several things over many weeks. (List the things you have tried.) You are still fighting. Here is the problem. I want to help you but wonder if I can. However you feel about it, I want you to know where I stand. If you and I cannot work this out, it still has to be worked out. The fighting has to stop. We will start with counseling. If that doesn’t help, we will take the next step. I do not know for sure what it is. It may mean you will live somewhere else where you can get the help you need. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that; but I want you to know it might. I will do whatever it takes to help you.”
What if he says he does not care? Say, “That is a shame. I wish you cared. I care and will do what has to be done to help you over this problem. Nothing is happening today so we will have some chances to talk about this more.”