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Foster Children And Problems Getting Along With Others

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20. They try to please everyone and keep everyone happy.

This is a disguised version of not sticking up for herself. As you think about it, you will see what motivates the child. On the surface, she wants approval, positive feedback, and to be seen as a helpful person who causes no trouble. The last part is the key. Her main motivation is to cause no trouble. She wants to keep everyone from getting upset or angry.

Here is the problem. Instead of seeing the sign for the problem it is, people tend to see the behavior as positive, cooperative, and desirable. In some ways, it is. The question for you is how much and how often you see the behavior.

Trying to please everyone and keep everyone happy is likely the most common cause of tension and stress adults have. Think about yourself. How much of your stress is because of trying to meet everyone’s needs, trying to keep everyone happy? You know it is unreasonable but may try to do it anyway. At least, you have a chance not to pass it on to your foster child.

Also, she learned what she was taught. Not pleasing adults or not keeping them happy may have lead to very bad things happening to her. It was her only hope for protecting herself. Even if there was no real threat, there may have been an alcoholic or mentally ill family member she felt responsible for. The family law said, “Do whatever you have to do to avoid upsetting anyone. Keeping people happy is your job. If anyone gets upset, drinks, or gets mentally ill again, it is your fault.” Guilt, especially irrational guilt, is powerful.

Here is what you can do. Discourage the child from always doing things for people. Don’t be so quick to let her help. Tell her it is not her job to keep people happy. She cannot make people happy. She would be better off were she a little more selfish and self-centered. You can help her with this.