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11. They have trouble making and keeping friends.
Foster children are more likely to have this problem than most youngsters. Why? They are likely to have changed neighborhoods and schools. Their life-experiences usually have not taught them good interpersonal and relationship skills. They likely have low self-esteem and deal less well with the give-and-take of friends and the social scene.
Most children move out from a solid base at home into other relationships. This lets them try many relationships while always having those at home. Foster children do not have this solid base. Because of this, relationships they do find are more important to them. For example, they can easily become too possessive and smother the other person. This is a good way to lose a friend. Also, they may try too hard to please and to be part of the group.
Your foster child needs you to teach her about friends and relationships. Say, “Getting a friend starts by hanging around with people who are like you want to be. Pick people who seem to value what you value. Next, talk and join in without being pushy. After a while, you will notice you talk more with some of them than others. There will be two or three you talk with the most. You and they are becoming friends. There are also some ways to keep friends and ways that turn them off. We can talk about that as time goes on.” By talking to her, you are showing her an example of friendly behavior. You also are teaching her some relationship skills. It is a slow but rewarding process.
This also will help. Include her in family activities at church, in the neighborhood, or in community organizations. This gives her a chance to see other healthy families and to make friends. Child-only activities may be too stressful for her at first. Family activities give you a chance to observe, coach, and support her.