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3. They get very angry when things do not go their way.
This is the temper tantrum side of anger and frustration. Children get frustrated and upset when things do not go their way. As with most problems, it is a matter of how much. The problem is not so much the child’s reaction itself as it is how angry she gets.
Here is what you need to do. Help your foster child feel okay about being angry or frustrated. At the same time, she needs to manage her anger better.
Her life-experiences taught her to react the way she does. They taught her to have temper tantrums. She likely learned the behavior from an expert temper tantrum thrower. Also, maybe the tantrums she saw were taken out on her. She now sees the behavior as appropriate and as her only choice. She behaves the way she was taught to behave.
This is your goal. Teach her better ways to manage her anger and frustration. Don’t get angry with her. Don’t threaten her. You want to set an example of better behavior.
With younger foster children, it is true that ignoring temper tantrums often works. They then come up with more appropriate ways to let you know how they feel. By ten to fifteen-years-old, they have already learned how to let you know when they are mad, and they have learned the wrong behavior. Ignoring them is no longer your best choice.
Whenever you can, do not deal with the temper tantrum while it is happening. Doing anything then only makes matters worse. Here is what you need to know. Tantrums take a lot of energy and can only last about so long. The child cannot keep it up forever. Wait calmly until his anger lessens, and it will. Now say, “You have used a tantrum to say something to me. I do (or do not) understand what you were trying to say. Here is my point. I don’t do anything about things when told about them in such an angry way. Let’s try again. If you want to say something to me and want me to do something about it, tell me more calmly. Help me understand what has you so upset. What do you want to tell me and what do you want me to do about it?”