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6. They hit or hurt people.
Children who have been abused learned this behavior from people who took it to the extreme. Parents who think it is alright to spank and slap their children teach the same lessen in a milder form. They teach hitting and hurting are okay if you do not hit too hard or hurt too much. It is the same lessen for the child, though. Be sure you are not teaching this to any child. It is exactly what you do not want her to learn.
Stop the child from hitting and hurting. Ask her to stop. Insist she stops. If necessary, restrain her from the behavior. If your foster child may need restrained, ask her caseworker or case manager to make a course in therapeutic restraint available to you. You can accidentally hurt her or get hurt if you do not know how to correctly restrain her. Any time you can, do not try to physically stop the behavior while it is happening.
Be sure to set a good example for her. Also, be sure everyone in your home does the same. Teach others to back off when she gets upset and angry. No, this does not mean she gets her way. It just means everyone agrees not to push when she cannot control herself. She will calm down after a while. Try to stay out of her angry space.
Try small rewards for good days, days when she does not hit or hurt. A treat, special privilege, or something she wants all help. Use negative reactions very sparingly. The payoff for her needs to be for appropriate behavior, for not hitting and hurting.
Always talk to her after she has trouble. Sit quietly with her while she calms down. You can then talk about her angry feelings and how she managed them. She needs to learn to pick up on the signs she is about to lose control.
Say, “Once you get angry, stopping is very hard. You can learn to stop; but it is tough. It is easier to stop if you catch it before you lose control. If we can figure out when you first started to get upset, that is the place to control it. When did it first start getting to you?”
The goal is for her to spot situations and people that set her off. The best time for her to get control and to learn emotional management is while she still has control. As she learns to see situations coming, her control will get better.