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9. They worry and fret about not doing things well enough and about failing.
Foster parents often think about this sign as a problem with school and school work. Children get nervous and upset about tests, homework, and sometimes about going to school. The problem is they think they will fail even when there is no reason for them to worry. They don’t do their homework, will not participate in class, and do not risk failure. Sometimes a child with self-esteem problems will do her homework but not turn it in. The risk of teachers and parents getting upset is not as bad as failing.
Self-esteem problems can get worse. The young person worries and frets about not looking good enough and may even think she looks weird. She may avoid her friends because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She may think she will fail socially, if she is not already a social failure. New people and activities are always a problem because she does not know what new ways there might be to embarrass herself or to fail. She figures almost anything or anyone may be a new chance for her to “screw up.”
What is going on with your foster child? It is one of those things that is so obvious you can completely overlook it. Yes, it has to do with how the youngster thinks about and feels about herself. Here is her real problem. It has to do with how she thinks others feel about her. The problem is how she thinks they will react to her. She believes she will not be accepted. Children with low self-esteem think people do not like them. They do not think they will ever be accepted.
Is a child with low self-esteem worrying and fretting about not doing well and about failing? Yes; but more to the point, she worries more about ridicule, rejection, and angry reactions. If this were not bad enough, she knows it would be still worse to just be ignored.
A couple things will help. Problems with low self-esteem are very stressful for children. For example, worrying and fretting once in a while about failing is not that big a deal. All children do this sometimes. The problem for foster children is that they often feel like this. Their stress is severe. When you see the sign a lot in your foster child, look for signs of stress. Handle them as discussed in the last section.
When the child is working on something or thinking about doing something, don’t say things like, “Don’t worry. You’ll do fine. You are getting upset over nothing.” This only says to her you do not understand how upset and afraid she really is.
It would be better to say, “I am proud of you for taking a chance on yourself. I think it will work out fine but don’t know for sure. I just want you to know I am here for you no matter how it turns out. Your being willing to try or at least thinking about it tells me you are my kind of person.” You want to understand and support the child’s struggle. Your support is there for her however it turns out. She is important to you. Knowing she belongs and is accepted boosts her self-esteem.
When she goes ahead and tries, point out the good points about what she does. Also do not be dishonest. Do not say she did well when it is not true. Do not tell her things are going fine when they are not. Do not try to convince the child people like her when they do not. Most important, do not try to make her think it does not matter. It does matter. You and she both know it matters a lot. Do you have enough respect and caring for her to be honest? For her to know you do is a very positive and loving thing. Within the love and honesty of your relationship, encourage her, support her, and give her ideas about how she can succeed. Above all, be there for her if things get bad.