Podcast: Play in new window | Download (18.6MB)
14. They do not feel they fit in or belong anywhere.
This is the underlying problem causing your foster child’s low self-esteem. He feels like he does not fit in, does not belong. This goes against what may be the most human of human needs. This is the need to belong. Children are who others tell them they are. Youngsters with very low self-esteem have heard their world telling them they do not belong anywhere. For what are usually very complex reasons, foster children are orphans of the system. More for some and less for others, they don’t belong anywhere. When push comes to shove, they get shoved out.
They think they don’t fit in, don’t belong. As sad as it is, they are mostly right. This makes helping them with their self-esteem problems doubly tough. You need to help with their ideas about themselves that are not true. You also need to help with the ones that are true.
The child says, “I don’t belong anywhere. No one wants me.” What do you say? Do not say, “That is not true. You belong here and we want you.” It may be true today but likely not next year or ten years from now. Better would be, “I can see how you would feel that way. I think if I had lived your life, I might feel the same way. It will not always be that way. When you are older, you can have your own family. That does not help you much right now. I feel badly for you but am not going to tell you how to feel or what to think. I am here for you today and hope it helps at least a little.” You value and respect the youngster enough today to deal with the truth.