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10. They do not start anything because they are afraid it will turn out badly anyway.
Worrying and fretting is where low self-esteem starts. Just shutting down is where it leads. This is the first hurdle to get over. Children whose self-esteem is so low they will not even try are misunderstood and often dealt with in harsh and destructive ways. People see them as bull-headed, oppositional, and defiant. Their self-esteem problem looks like a behavior problem. Parents and teachers get frustrated, angry, and down on the child. It is a vicious circle. The child does not try to do things because she believes she will fail anyway. She thinks she will get bad reactions from people no matter how she does. Adults see her behavior as willful and defiant. They get upset and angry with her. This is what she thought they were going to do. It makes no difference. Bad reactions and rejection come anyway. From the child’s point of view, she is someone who others react badly to. She does not have to do anything to get the bad reactions. As the saying goes, “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t so why bother?”
What can you do to help? You can understand the behavior for what it is. The child does not start projects or try new things. He makes no effort to participate. He always has excuses such as “I forgot.”
Managing this behavior is tough. Here is a suggestion. Your first goal is to get him to start or at least try. It is not to get him to finish or do well. Any effort he makes is a very big step in the right direction. Trying one problem, at least going to the activity, or making a little effort to do what you expect is progress.
Do not get angry. Do not threaten. Do not plead. Offer him something he wants if he will just start and at least try. This might be a small privilege, a special treat, time doing something fun with you, or anything else he values. Is this a bribe? Sure, why not? It is better for both of you than getting frustrated and upset with him.
The bribe will not always be there for the expected behavior, or will it? Sure it will. After a while, it is no longer a treat or special privilege. Your approval and the sweet taste of success reward the child’s efforts. When you see how it works, you can see you often bribe and get bribed.