Podcast: Play in new window | Download (18.6MB)
15. They do not feel loved by anyone.
This sign is one step down the self-esteem ladder from not fitting in and not belonging. It is almost all the way to the bottom.
When you are thinking about your foster child’s problems, there are a couple points to consider. Most children and most adults for that matter sometimes feel unloved and unappreciated. Many feel a little like this much of the time. The feelings may be about low self-esteem. They are more likely because of unusual circumstances. When feeling unloved is a sign of damaged self-esteem, it is much more constant, much more severe, and very painful.
Your foster child says, “No one loves me. No one cares.” You are tempted to say, “I love you. I care.” The problem is this. Love and caring are more than feelings and nice words. They are commitment, responsibility, and a willingness to hang in there for days, months, and years. The kind of love the child wants and needs is a forever kind of thing. It is unconditional and permanent.
It would be better for you to say this. “Not feeling loved is a hard feeling to handle. I can tell it feels awful and hurts a lot. I think it would make me feel angry and afraid and other stuff at the same time. Not thinking anyone cares would feel lonely to me. How does it feel to you?” At least the child now knows you care enough to care about how she feels. That is a start.
I love you’s are cheap. But when you are gentle and honest, the child learns that he matters enough to not be lied to. This is a small bit of self-esteem that will last him a lifetime. At least there was one day at your home when someone respected him enough to deal with him honestly.