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13. They do not like themselves and put themselves down.
This sign makes the child’s physical and sexual doubt easier to understand. It also makes it easier to see the real issue. Children believe they are who parents and other adults have told them they are. The messages may have come directly from parents. They may have come from teachers or peers. Wherever they came from, it was a world that did not support or value the child.
It is as if she steps back and watches herself. She hears people saying to her, “You are not someone I like. You are not my kind of person. There are a lot of things I do not like about you. I am here to point them out to you, every chance I get.” She learned to watch herself by having to live through what others said to her and about her to others. She painfully saw how they saw her and how they treated her.
There is no way you can directly help with this kind of self-hatred. Saying, “I like you,” is worth saying but does not help much. Mostly, it makes the child think you are as dumb as she feels. You are just someone else who lies to her.
Instead, the child needs a friend who cares. She needs the relationship to last a long time. The relationship is the message. It says, “You are someone worth my hanging in there with for a very long time.”
In the short-term you can help some. Remember each time she puts herself down. Listen for a couple of weeks. Make note of the bad things she says about herself.
Find a quiet time to talk about your list. Say, “For the last two weeks, I have made a note every time you put yourself down. Here is the list of things you have said about yourself.” Read the list to her. Wait for a minute to see if she says anything.
Next, say, “I do not see you like that. These things do not seem like you to me. I would like to get you to help me understand. If we can, I will read these to you one at a time. I would like for you to tell me why you think these things are true about you. You may want to give me an example or just explain it to me. The first thing on the list is, ‘I just mess everything up.’ Why do you believe that is true? Will you give me an example?”
Do not argue with her. Do not try to convince her she is wrong. Just ask questions and listen. That by itself lets her know you care and value what she has to say. Once you have listened about each put-down, you can say, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I understand how you see yourself a lot better. I don’t see you in those ways at all but appreciate your being willing to help me understand.”
The conversation helped the youngster’s self-esteem all by itself. Also, you now have many new opportunities. Suppose your family goes to church and then to visit with some friends. Things go fine. Later that night, you talk with the child. You say, “Remember when you said you mess everything up? Well, today is an example of why I don’t agree. Today was a very good day. Everything went fine. It was good to have you with us. You did not mess anything up. That makes me think you are not someone who messes everything up. I just want you to know why I think what I think.” The child likely will not say anything. You have made your self-esteem point anyway.