When things don’t work out as expected, when people disappoint us, who dropped the ball? The answer is more complicated than it may seem at first glance.
In these uncommon times, relating well to others on and off line is more important than ever. Stress is high and people aren’t always at their best. This makes it essential that we do our best to be our best when interacting with others. Expanding our range of tolerance is a good place for each of us to start.
How much better would your world be if other people just understood that you seldom intend to say or do whatever is annoying or frustrating them? Let’s think about how that might work.
People seldom intend to be jerks. I think we have all had to deal with someone who is just being a jerk. They are being difficult and impossible to cope with due to their seeming to be stupid, insensitive, hopelessly self-centered or clueless, or maybe all of the above. But are we ever the jerk in the picture? We sure don’t intend to be the jerk but we probably have our jerk moments, at least from the perspective of other people. As reasonable and as appropriate as we try to be, even nice people like us may slip into jerk mode at times.
People seldom intend to do less than their best. Do they always make an effort to do everything they can do as well as they can do it? No, people surely don’t do that. Rather, they usually make their best effort to do as much as they think is necessary and to do it as well as they think it needs done. The problem is that we may not agree that they have done enough or done it as well as we needed it done. Our issue is that we wanted more or better. From our perspective, the other person could have and should have done more or done better. It seems to us that we haven’t gotten his or her best effort. We have to deal with a shirker, with someone who is lazy or is sloppy and half does things. Of course we always give everything we do our best effort, always do things correctly and completely – or do we?
What would you never say to your five-year-old? It’s hard to say exactly what goes on your list but I suspect that things on your never say list all have a negative or critical tone or message tucked in there. I doubt that any of us would tell our five-year-old that he or she is stupid, ugly, lazy, in the way, too much bother, or anything else implying that the child is not valued or not okay. At least I hope none of us would relate to or respond to a child in ways like that.
Even so, there is definitely another side to that coin. Our five-year-old certainly needs feedback, and sometimes, that feed back needs to be negative or critical. Children need to learn how to do things and how to behave. They also need to learn how not to do things and how not to behave. They require guidance, coaching and the opportunity to take advantage of our experience, awareness and judgment. They also have to occasionally deal with a firm and unequivocal “No!” The issue isn’t whether they should receive our guidance and feedback – they should. Rather the issue is how and when that guidance and feedback should be forthcoming.
You may be thinking that I’m about to offer some advice about how you should or should not go about providing guidance and feedback to children. Not this time. Instead, I want to share with you my father’s first principle for offering guidance and feedback to me growing up. As much as I have read about and studied child development and parenting over the years, I have never come across any childhood scholar or parenting expert who even mentioned Dad’s first principle, little lone recommending it. Nonetheless, I think you may find it worth your consideration.
Welcome to Audio Tidbits. For more tidbits, check out GaryCrow.net. In this episode, the first piece focuses on how jerks excel at being jerks and, by implication, how we can avoid being seen as jerks – a good outcome for all Tidbiters. The second piece explores why some children grow up to be leaders while most don’t. It really does have a lot to do with us. Of course, there are a couple of tunes from Kevin, as usual. Click play and give it a listen.
Audio Tidbits is back with some fun, including three tunes from Kevin and a couple of tips for making a difference to people who make a difference to you. Please enjoy.
It’s time for a change. Welcome to the new and improved Audio Tidbits. In this episode, I have included three tunes from the library of Kevin MacLeod. Listeners have asked for more from Kevin and it’s here for you. Not to be disappointed. There are also two tips that will help you Make a positive difference with people who matter to you. This time, you hear about Bridge Burning and are reminded that there is never a good excuse for bad manners. I hope you enjoy the show. If you have any thoughts to share about the new format, please share them with me at Gary@GaryCrow.net. Enjoy!
When dealing with people at work or at home, do you find yourself at a loss as to what to do or how to proceed now and then? If not, good for you, but if you are merely human like the rest of us, here’s a bulletin for you. There are always things to say, things to do.
Here are ninety-three that you can pick from the next time you find yourself in a pinch. Just pick one, any one, and go for it. They all work in a pinch. If you have five minutes to explore the full set, it’s always okay to select the exact one that best fits what’s happening right now. If you are feeling rushed, just pick one and go for it. Either way, you will never again be at a loss as to what to say or do.
It’s time for a magic minute. Today’s tip shows us the key to those special relationships that we hope will last a very long time, if not forever. If you adopt the tip for yourself, good things will nearly always follow.
As children, many of us were told that we could be anything we wanted to be. Although the sentiment was likely expressed with the best of intentions, we learned over time that it was not altogether true. There were things we could not do, roles we could not assume, problems we could not solve and things we could not change, no matter how much we wanted to change them, no matter how hard we tried. Now and then, we confronted the rock that refuses to move.
Perhaps it was the same people who told us that we could be anything we wanted to be who now told us that we should just accept the things we cannot change. It can make us wish that they would make up their minds. Let’s spend a few minutes thinking about the rocks we cannot move but focus in on people we want to change, for their own good, of course. They sometimes definitely qualify as one of those rocks that refuses to move. No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, they simply refuse to change. So what to do? That’s the question we explore in this episode of Audio Tidbits. Please join me.
The clock is still ticking and the time to prevent disaster is waning. There is still time to act; but the time keeps getting less and less. When will you do what must be done? Please listen and take the warning seriously.
Charlie and Carol are moving to Texas, or are they? It’s a big decision. Press play and listen in as they discuss their choices.
For John O’Brien, his hope was that we may care enough to love enough to share enough to let others become what they can be; but how do we do this at home, at work, and in the context of our other important relationships? Consider the following strategies. They may or may not work equally well for all of us; but they are definitely worth considering.
Cooperation: Emphasize a helpful, supportive approach to all of your relationships and activities with other people.
Bertrand Russell said, “The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” You likely will want to set your sights a little less grandly than redeeming mankind; but you nonetheless get the idea. Cooperation is definitely the way to go and helping others is one of the best ways to get there. What’s more, Charles Dudley promises added benefits for you if you are helpful and supportive with other people, “It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” Now, that certainly sounds like the real deal, don’t you think?
Loyalty: Emphasize accommodating to the special needs and interests of people and facilitating the resolution of problems.
It’s easy here to see how that benefits other people which, of course, is the point. At the same time, though, you also benefit. Jean-Jacques Rousseau said, “The most absolute authority is that which penetrates into a man’s innermost being and concerns itself no less with his will than with his actions.” Sure, if you accommodate to other people and help them work things out, you will feel better about who you are and what you do. It’s like Josiah Royce pointed out, “Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living.”
Caring: Emphasize concern for and interest in the activities, successes, and problems of other people.
Maxwell Maltz expressed it this way, “Take the trouble to stop and think of the other person’s feelings, his viewpoints, his desires and needs. Think more of what the other fellow wants, and how he must feel.” The message is simple. Take time to care; and remember Fred A. Allen’s words, “It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.”
1. Be cooperative.
This means you work well with others and are there to help as appropriate, when needed.
2. Be loyal.
This means you hang in there with the ups and downs and are supportive of and with others when there is internal or external conflict or criticism.
3. Be caring and concerned.
This means that you stay involved and interested in the successes stresses and challenges of others.
4. Be engaged and sharing.
This means that you regularly talk and interact with others.
5. Be respectful.
This means you listen patiently and carefully whenever others are talking, telling you about something, or trying to express their ideas or feelings.
6. Be trusting.
This means you do not get into blaming, accusing, or threatening others.
Now you know so there you go.
1. Be Accepting
This means you are okay with me as is, with no interest in trying to change me.
2. Be Affectionate
This means you find opportunities to be warm and close with me.
3. Be Ambitious
This means you are always on the outlook for chances to improve our lives.
4. Be Assertive
This means you speak up about what you want and need.
5. Be Attractive
This means you work to be someone I want to be with and do things with.
6. Be Considerate
This means you care about my feelings, interests and needs.