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32. They have lost an important relationship and can hardly live without it.
The first idea to think about is “perception.” This is how things seem from the child’s point of view. Feeling she cannot live without a relationship is her perception of how she would be without the relationship. Seeing the relationship as important also is her perception. When you see this sign in your foster child, she perceives the relationship she lost was important, thinks it is gone, and believes she cannot live without it. It does not matter how others see or think about her and the relationship. Her perceptions are how it is for her. Perception is her reality and the only reason for her actions.
When working with her, start where she is, start with her perceptions.
It is easy to just say that what she thinks and feels is not true. Some people start by deciding that the relationship was not really so important. Others start by deciding that she has not really lost the relationship. They say to her, “Things will work out.” Either way, these people think the child is wrong when she thinks she cannot live without the relationship.
Helping means getting inside her skin so you can see how she perceives what happened. Why does she think the relationship was so important? What makes her think she lost the relationship? Here is the most important question. Why does she think she cannot live without it?
Say to her,” I want to understand. Please help me understand. What about the relationship was so important for you? What have you lost that is so very important to you? Will you talk to me about what you are thinking and feeling?”
This is your goal. Her grief, anger, fear, and emptiness are real and painful. Her loss is real; and living past the pain feels impossible to her. To help, you need to share her grief, her strong feelings, and her pain. It is as if you take part of it into yourself. The child cannot handle it by herself. But between the two of you, you can.
Here is how you tell if you are helping. Can you feel her loss, her emptiness, her grief, and her pain? Is it a little as if the feelings were yours? If so, it is empathy.
Don’t tell her how she should think or feel. More important, don’t say her feelings and how she thinks about what happened are wrong. Listen and feel until empathy comes for you. You can then honestly say, “I am afraid for you. I am afraid for me. Maybe I do not totally understand; but I feel awful and hurt as if it happened to me. I want to be close to you and help us get through this. Can I share your grief with you and struggle through it with you?” Holding or touching her physically may make her and you feel better; but holding her emotionally is the key to helping her.
33. They became very embarrassed over something and cannot face it.
This sign begins to get at the main problem. Losing a relationship and feeling unable to live without it makes it seem like losing the relationship is the main problem. Thinking about her feeling unable to handle an embarrassment makes her pain more understandable. It has mostly to do with her loss or her fear of losing acceptance by other people. This idea needs more discussion.
An important part of the child’s humanness is her connection with others or her feeling of belonging. A severe embarrassment breaks the connection in much the same way as losing a relationship. The embarrassment or humiliation changes how others think about her, or so she thinks. She believes that how they feel about her and how much she is accepted by them have changed.
This is the point. Whether she lost a relationship or felt embarrassed and humiliated over something else that happened, it feels like severe rejection. She feels cut-off and alone. It is an awful, empty, painful feeling. Added to this are feelings of anger and fear. She is angry about being rejected and afraid of not recovering from the loss.
When this happens, suicidal thoughts and feelings are likely. Why? Suicide is an escape from and end to the pain and a way out of the empty place.
To help her, get her to share her fear and anger. Say, “I can see how what happened was really embarrassing and humiliating. Recovering from something like that is very tough. Can we talk about it? I am not sure whether it would make me more angry or more afraid. What does it feel like for you?” Empathy and helping the child identify her feelings are what she needs from you. Just giving them names (anger and fear) helps her all by itself.
You and your foster child are really getting in touch with her feelings when she can let you know how angry she feels. It is the anger that can lead to violence such as suicide. Getting it out is her way out of her loneliness.
34. They are not getting over a serious loss or disappointment.
Here is how this sign works. Perception is the only reality for the child. Anything is disappointing if she feels disappointed. She is the judge. Also, she is the only judge of how disappointing it was for her. This means that not getting invited to a party can be more painful for one child than not getting a college scholarship is for another. Not making the basketball team can devastate one child and not bother another child much one way or the other. Listen to what the child tells you and believe her. She is the expert on her perceptions.
When a disappointment of any kind is very painful for the child, this is what’s happening. She had started seeing herself as having what she wanted. In her mind, she was someone who had reached her goal. She made the team. She was part of the group at the party. She was going to be a college student. It matters little what the goal was. It had become part of how she thought about herself. More important, it was now a part of who she is with other people. In her mind, she is a team member, one of the group, someone who fits-in, who belongs. This is not an exaggeration. It is how children think about and understand important things.
The child’s loss can be because of embarrassment and humiliation. It can be because a relationship is no longer there for her. It can be because of a severe disappointment. Whatever its cause, it is at least a little less belonging for her. She can get to where she perceives it to mean she does not belong at all, anywhere.
How can you help? Say, “I know a lot about disappointment. I think you may even know more than I do right now. I remember how awful and painful it feels. I remember it feels like a huge crash or sometimes like suddenly losing everything important. Can we talk about how you are feeling? What is the first thing that comes to your mind?” Your goal is to get her to talk about her feelings, especially her angry feelings.