Podcast: Play in new window | Download (18.8MB)
35. They have lost a physical ability or skill and cannot handle it.
Helping your foster child with this kind of loss is somewhat different from helping him with other losses. Why? Other losses are one-time kinds of things. A physical loss is usually a lifetime adjustment. For example, what if the child loses his good looks in an accident? It is a problem for him right now. It also comes up every time he meets someone new. It also comes into his mind when he is not invited to a special event or feels slighted, whether it has anything to do with his appearance. The emotional pain of the loss keeps coming up. This means getting over the loss is not possible. He has to learn to live with what amounts to reliving the loss again and again.
Say, “This is not like losing a relationship or disappointment over something. This is not that kind of thing; and we both know it. This changes many things and it will take time to find out what that means. We will need to talk it through many times over many things. Can we talk about what you are thinking and feeling right now? I am feeling angry and afraid. Does this have anything to do with how you are feeling?”
36. They feel unable to do anything about what happens to them.
Take a minute to think about the signs already discussed, about foster children, and how the two go together. Now think about how rejection, not fitting in, and not belonging are parts of all the signs. Foster children almost always have one or more of the signs to some extent. This is even more true for feeling she cannot do anything about what happens to her. For the most part, this is more than a feeling, it is a fact. Heavy-duty stuff is happening and she can do little to nothing about it. She has little control and less ability to influence what happens to her.
How does this sign fit with the others? It is the can hardly live without it, the cannot face it, the not getting over it, the cannot handle it part of the other signs. It is her feeling of having lost control within her life and being unable to get control back.
Just as belonging is important to her, so is believing she is in control of what happens to her. At least, she needs to know her life is not out of control.
Here is the idea. She feels very little control. She also feels like she does not belong or does not fit-in. This is what is causing her bad, painful feelings.
Anger is a very bad feeling the child has about what happened to her. Fear is a very bad feeling she has about what might happen. She is angry about what happened, the position she is now in, and about her future’s having been changed. Things are just not working out as they should, from her point of view. Fear is a little less complicated. Who knows what might happen? Even worse, she knows what might happen and it scares her. Maybe it will scare her to her death.
What does this have to do with control? She either did not or could not control what happened and is very angry. She cannot control what might happen and she is afraid. The less control she feels, the more angry and afraid she gets. It is a building pressure.
You want to help her get these feelings out. This holds most for her anger. There is another step you can take too. Give her as much power and control as you can.
Ellen was twelve when she came to our office with her foster mother. After about a half hour of her temper and generally obnoxious behavior, her foster mother reached her wits end. “I’m sorry but this is beyond me. Ellen, you cannot live with me anymore. I care what happens to you; but your behavior is more than I can deal with anymore.” The placement was terminated by her foster mother on the spot.
After about a half hour, the foster mother returned with all Ellen’s possessions: Two grocery bags of stuff. Fortunately, a new placement was available; and Ellen’s new foster father came to get her and her two sacks.
This is the positive part of the story. About a year or so later, Ellen moved back to her mother’s home. With her went her two sacks. Sometime later, we asked the foster father what she had in her two sacks. He said, “I have no idea. When we got her home and into her room we asked her if she wanted help putting her things away. As obnoxiously as possible, she told us they were hers and what she would do if we so much as touched them. She was right. They were hers.”
You usually cannot do much about the big things that get out of control for the child; but it really is the little things that count. Let the youngster have as much control as possible over as much as possible. At times, this may only be her two sacks of stuff. You may offer her a shelf or drawer or the choice to leave her stuff in her sacks. As odd as it may seem at first, this may be your single best way to help her handle her anger and fear.
37. They have been thinking a lot about suicide.
You have seen how suicidal thoughts and feelings build in children. Anger and fear fester. At the same time, the child’s perceived lack of control grows. The bad energy boils up and suicide becomes a solution. It starts as a possibility and slowly becomes the child’s first choice.
The child thinks about suicide more and more. She considers it. She then rejects the idea. Finally, she reconsiders it, struggles to find other answers, and comes back to suicide as the only way out. Out of what? The way out of her anger, fear, pain, her emptiness. It becomes her final way of taking control.
Most times, she will tell someone about her thoughts and talk about her solution. If they believe her, whoever she tells can and usually does get help. Here is the problem. Far too often, no one takes her seriously.
Children do not normally say, “I wish I were dead.” “I would be better off dead.” “I think I will just kill myself.” It is not true youngsters often say those kinds of things or are just joking around when they say them. If you ask them about it, they often do say they were not serious and were just joking around. Still, it is no joking matter and they likely were not just joking.
Your foster child may bring up suicide in a joking way. She may bring it up in a serious way. She may seem really down and you may ask after you have been talking for a few minutes, “What are you thinking about doing? It feels to me like you may be thinking about killing yourself. Am I on track or off base?” She may just start talking about suicide, someone who killed himself, or ways to kill oneself. However you learn about her thoughts, your chance to help is right then.
If she says she was just kidding, say, “Let’s think about some better ways to get your feelings out. When you joke about killing yourself, what is your message? I’ll bet it has something to do with feeling upset, something to do with feeling angry and maybe a little afraid. Let’s talk about it if you will. What are you thinking and feeling when you joke about killing yourself?”
Talking about suicide helps. It neither makes things worse nor makes it more likely she will kill herself. Say, “I am afraid for you. I am afraid for both of us. Can we talk about what is happening?”
This is the most important point for you to remember. It is possible the child is threatening suicide to get attention but not very likely. But what if she is looking for attention? She can back herself into a corner if she keeps it up. She says it so much people stop believing her. She has to take it one step further if only to save face. The next step for her is really trying to kill herself.
Without a doubt, it was very serious the first time she threatened. If she is dead, whether she was serious or just wanting attention no longer matters. You will not get another chance to take her seriously.
What is going on with a child who uses threats of suicide to get attention? There are many possibilities, none of which is good. Say, “Part of me believes you want to kill yourself and the other part thinks you are using threatening suicide to get attention. Either way, I am very concerned. Can we talk about the getting attention side?” The conversation goes on for a little while and you then say, “Threatening is an effective way to get attention. You sure got mine. It worked. Here is my problem. When you use suicide to get my attention, it scares me and is a little frustrating. I like to pay attention to you so you don’t have to scare me to get my attention. It’s yours. I have some ideas but want to hear your ideas first. What are some other ways you could let me know when you want my attention?” You are starting to teach the child about good attention getting skills.