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39. Their moods jump from one extreme to the other and they cannot control them.
It is important to make this point. When you see any of the signs in this section, your foster child needs a mental health evaluation and likely needs professional care. Having said that, it also is important for you to understand the signs and have some ideas about how to help the child at your home.
There are several reasons why your foster child might have trouble controlling his mood and emotions. The most likely is stress or excitement. The child feels upset or very excited; and his emotions are a little out of hand. Here is the important part of the sign. He cannot control his feelings and mood.
When a child gets excited or upset, he normally can settle down, at least for a few minutes. What you see is that he is having part of this sign. Both parts need to be there before you would say he has this sign. His moods are jumping to the extremes and he cannot control it.
A hyperactive child or a child with serious behavior problems often shows both sides of the sign. He may be happy and full of energy one minute and flip into near violence the next. He may be happy one minute and withdrawn the next. The change can be dramatic. He cannot control this flipping back-and-forth without professional help. This has nothing to do with mental illness but needs your caring concern.
Another cause of the problem is depression. A depressed child often does not act like you might expect her to act. You might think she would be in a down mood and not very active. Her depression may look like this but is just as likely to look quite different.
One look of a child’s depression fits this sign well. Her moods and emotions flip around. For example, she may be very up and have a lot of energy and then down and withdrawn. She may be friendly and then angry for no reason you can see. The important thing is to see she cannot stop it and needs help with her depression.
Another cause of this sign is serious mental illness. If this is what is happening with your foster child, you would likely see one or more of the other signs in this section.
Here is what to know. Arguing and getting upset with the child only makes things worse. It is not a problem that has anything to do with discipline or willfulness. Her emotions and reactions really are out of control. She cannot help it. Patience and tolerance are in order.
40. They may go on extreme eating binges.
Like other signs in this section, this sign can have several causes. One likely cause is depression. It combines with the child’s nervousness and up-tightness. Eating is something to do and a way of dealing with her nervous energy. It is somewhat like a natural tranquilizer. Eating too much can make a person sleepy and drowsy. This is useful if the child is up-tight. It feels calming.
Another cause sometimes seen in foster children is very different. A child who has been starved or has had food withheld from her as punishment may have this problem. When she eats, it is as if she fears it will be her last time for a long time. Understanding this makes it easy to see why she gorges herself. She also may sometimes hide food. It is like putting it away for a rainy day or one when there is nothing to eat. If your foster child has this problem, reassure her that food will always be there for her. Be patient with her.
Another cause is part of an eating disorder. This problem is called bulimia. The child’s weight likely is about right for her height and age. She (or he) may be in some athletic activity such as gymnastics or wrestling. The child vomits to control her weight. After eating, she purges or gets rid of what she has eaten. As if trying to make up for it, she eats huge amounts of food in one setting. This is not just overeating. She may eat enough food to serve as meals for ten or twenty people. Keeping food away from her or locking up the food does no good and may make matters worse.
41. They may often vomit after eating or use laxatives to control their weight.
Vomiting after eating is most likely caused by a minor illness or intestinal problem. With any sign, a physical problem may be all or part of the cause. Your foster child is much more likely to be physically ill than mentally ill.
When vomiting or laxatives are the child’s way to control her weight, she has a serious problem. She may have thought of it by herself or may have picked it up from a friend or something she read. The point is it is dangerous and both physically and psychologically unhealthy.
The problem is common enough you should watch for it whether you suspect the problem or not. Watch for your foster child’s needing to use the bathroom right after or during meals. Pay attention to unpleasant or unusual odors in the bathroom or other rooms in your house. Listen for any hints or clues when she talks with you or her friends. Watch for unusual body odor or bad breath. Also notice gray or darkening teeth. The behavior can cause permanent physical damage and even her death if it goes to the extreme.
Talk with your foster child about the problem even if you don’t think she has it. Talking about it will not give her the idea. It will teach her about the dangers so she knows about them when she hears about the behavior at school or somewhere else.
If you find out about or suspect the behavior, try talking with the child. Also, closely watch her for a couple of weeks. If it does not stop, get her professional help. You and she cannot handle this problem by yourselves. Even if the behavior seems to stop, keep an eye out. It is likely to start back up.
42. They may starve themselves.
First, keep this in mind. Dieting is never a good idea for a child under twelve or thirteen, unless directly supervised by a doctor. Even a day or so of eating little to nothing is dangerous for her. Here is the problem. While her food is cut way back, she does not grow. Even worse, she may never make up for the time she was not growing. This is very serious. A young child should never diet unless medically supervised. It is as simple as that.
For your teenage foster child, watching her weight is usually not a big deal, although checking with her doctor is a good idea. Even eating little to nothing for a day or two once in a while usually does not hurt anything. Be sure it is not extreme. Be sure it does not go on for more than a couple of days at a time. Also be sure it does not happen more than once in a while. If she has a weight problem, talking with her doctor is the place to start.
This sign has little to do with dieting or normal weight control. A child with this problem is starving herself. The first thing you would notice is her losing weight. This is a very bad sign. Next, you would notice her getting thin. Also you would see she is eating little to nothing. She might tell you she is watching her weight, is not hungry, or does not feel well. Whatever her reason is, she is not eating enough.
Here is the hard part to understand. Even though the child is already thin, she thinks she is fat or at least thinks she is overweight. How she looks to you does not fit with her perception of herself. Her self-perception is distorted or does not fit with how she really is. She has lost her ability to judge herself. She feels fat no matter what the truth is.
When you see this sign in your foster child, her need for professional help is urgent. You nor the child can handle the problem without help. You may get help quicker if you remember she can die from the behavior. It does have to do with depression and low self-esteem; but it is much more complicated. Professional care is always necessary.