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I think I’m probably putting off getting down to the business of responding to today’s prompt myself. That may well be another one of those old habits that are hard to break. I seem to have a lot of them.
I am my own toughest critic. I appreciate my successes and acknowledge my controbutions when things work out as I hoped they would. Even so, I tend to pick at things whether they turn out well or not so well. The main variable tends to only be how harshly I pick. I figure that picking at the pieces that are not quite up to my expectation helps improve the odds of not screwing something up in the future. I think of this as continuous improvement.
That all sounds good but it does have its down side. It means that I miss out on some of the pleasure of succeeding, the sense of satisfaction that comes from doing something well. It also makes me a little obsessive and driven. That’s not such a big deal when it’s limited to just me. I can handle it or at least have gotten used to it.
It does become a problem when I am responsible for the work and outcomes of others. I tend to apply the same level of pickiness to them and their work. Even when they do a good job and get quite acceptable outcomes, there I am picking at the little lapses, the details that could have been handled better.
I can easily rationalize this behavior by arguing that it only helps them get better at whatever the task happens to be. It’s true enough; it does help them get better – usually.
The problem with being my own toughest critic is that I tend to fall into that role with others. I easily become their toughest critic. It should come as no surprise that, although they mostly appreciate it, they also can come to resent it and thus to resent me.
The underlying issue is this. Children, co-workers, and those for whose work I am responsible understandably take the criticism personally. When I think I’m only saying that their work could have been done better, that they could have gotten even better outcomes, part of them only hears me saying that they are not good at what they do, that they are sub-standard, that they are not up to par as people. They take the criticism personally.
I should know that. I do know that. I was raised on the notion that however well I did, I could have done better, I should have done better. The outcome was predictable. I won’t trouble you with examples from my childhood but be assured that I have an impressive collection.
My father had what may be the perfect compromise. Again, I have a hefty collection of examples but one will suffice here.
I was a normally volatile sixteen-year-old and was angry about something my mom said or did – I don’t actually recall what percipitated my little tantrum. I rushed out the back door and agressively slammed it behind me. The large window in the door shattered as I rushed away.
I came home an hour or so later only to find the window in the door repared and the glass swept up.
I went into where my dad was watching TV, not knowing what to expect but fairly sure I wasn’t going to like it. He said, “I’m glad you made it back. “
Since I didn’t know what to say, I just kept my mouth shut.
Dad then asked, “So what did you learn from what happened?”
We talked about that for a few minutes – less than five – with Dad concluding, “I think you may want to appologize to your mother.” I did and I did.
Was there something more generally to learn? I think so. It’s this.
If I’m going to be the toughest critic, I need to figure out how to criticize what others do or fail to do in a way that criticizes the action or inaction without implying criticism of the person himself or herself. While I’m at it, I should keep working on the same approach with myself.
I really appreciate your choosing to spend this time with me. I hope my little prompt game is something you find interesting and perhaps even useful. I will be back soon with another prompt. I hope you are there with me.
I have picked out another musical interlude for you. I hope you enjoy it as you give some continuing thought to starting with, “I am my own …” and letting your writing juices flow from there.