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Can’t Need Not Be
Permanent
I was
listening to a podcast, when a listener’s email told a sad story. The listener
identified himself as blind and was bemoaning his situation. Mostly, he was
complaining about all the things he can’t do and how inconvenient it is to need
someone around to care for him and his needs.
That
got me to thinking about how easy it is for those of us who can’t see to
confuse can’t with don’t know how. The specific issue in the listener’s email
that caused me to ponder the confusion came when he said that he had to get someone
who can see to hang a picture for him. His point was that his blindness
prevents him from using a drill and makes it impossible for him to get the
picture level and at the right height.
That’s
just silly talk. I can’t see and know how to use a drill. I can’t see and know
how to make sure a picture is level. I can’t see and know how to hang a picture
at a good height for most people when they are looking at it. Being blind is
not the reason why the listener can’t hang a picture on his wall. The reason is
simple. He just doesn’t know how to hang the picture without being able to see.
Is the
listener having his own pity party? Probably, but that is not my point. It’s
true that he can’t do by looking. But just because he can’t do by looking doesn’t
mean he can’t do.
Let me
suggest a strategy for doing if you can’t see. Think of something – anything –
that you think you can’t do because you can’t see. Now, start with the outcome.
As clearly as you can, define what you want to achieve. I want this picture
hanging appropriately on that wall. I want to be wearing my red shirt with my
black pants. I want to be eating lasagna for dinner. I want to be pleased with
the selection of groceries in my pantry. I want to be sitting on my friend’s
patio chatting and having a cold drink. I want to be at a bookstore, signing
copies of my new book. I want to be relaxing in my newly finished basement or
perhaps on my new deck. I want to be listening to the latest episode of my
podcast. I want to be attending my graduation from college. I want to use all
of the features on my cell phone. I want to hike to the bottom of the Grand
Canyon.
I
know. It’s another one of those lists. But what goes on your list? What
outcomes interest you?
Now
that you have an outcome in mind, you’re ready for the second part of this
strategy for doing without seeing. There are people who can’t see who know how
to do all of the things on the list I have included here. Even better, there
are people who can’t see who know how to do most everything on your list as
well. But how do they do that?
They
use the three strategies I mentioned earlier. They get someone who can see to
do it for them. They get someone who can see to help them do it. They learn to
do it for themselves. Whichever strategy they choose, they don’t confuse can’t
see with can’t do.
Here’s
the secret sauce. The people who are most successful at doing without seeing
intentionally use all three of these strategies, taking care not to confuse
can’t see with can’t do. It works like this.
I’ll
first be clear about what I want. Then I’ll identify someone to will do it for
me, while I carefully observe. Then, I’ll get them to help me do it myself.
Finally, I’ll use my new skills to do it by myself.
• If
it is to be, I’ll just need to learn how to do it for me.
You
may have noticed that, so far, I haven’t suggested anything that only applies
to those of us who can’t see. The tips all work quite well for people who can
see, although for them, the tips may not be quite so essential.
The Secret Sauce
Well,
I’m about to do it again. One of those tips that is essential for those of us
who can’t see, but work almost as well for everyone else, is headed your way.
The
harsh reality is this. If you can’t see, many, but definitely not all, people
who can see make judgments about you based on little more than their personal
generalizations about blindness and blind people. Unfortunately, those
generalizations tend to be negative. Not negative in the sense of your being a
bad person or somehow unacceptable, but negative in terms of being limited,
less competent, more needy and ignorable.
A
major contributor to these negative generalizations is that most people who can
see have never known a successful, competent blind person. If they do know
someone who can’t see, the likelihood is that the blind person they know is
quite old, not involved in the mainstream of things, or both. Sure, it’s just
another version of prejudice; but knowing that doesn’t help much when it is you
who is the person being judged.
I
agree. It’s not fair, not right and people who judge us without knowing us
should be ashamed of themselves. There is another side to that particular coin
though.
Many,
but definitely not all people who can’t see, buy into the negative judgment
habit. They sometimes behave as if other people should adjust to their issues
and limitations. Since they can’t see, people should expect less, accommodate
more and be more considerate of how difficult it is to get along when you can’t
see. And the fact of it is that most people will expect less and accommodate
more, at least until they get tired of it or start to suspect that you are
taking advantage of their helpful nature.
Earlier,
I suggested a few ways you can get past the tendency of people to put you in
the blind box, depending on whatever they assume about people who can’t see. I
can assure you that life is easier in the blind box, if you don’t mind staying
on the fringe and mostly being ignored. If instead you do mind, do believe that
you can swim in the mainstream, are committed to giving it your best effort,
first be sure you are implementing the tips I have shared. Along with those
tips, here’s another tip to incorporate into your skill set.
•
There is never a good excuse for bad manners.
I
know. Your manners are impeccable. You don’t need to be reminded to use your
good manners every day, everywhere, with everyone. This little tip is just not
needed. But just in case, pick someone you know who has especially good manners.
Now, ask yourself if you are keeping up with the standard they are setting. If
so, good for you. If not, you may want to work on that. It’s one way you can
let other people know that you don’t belong in their blind box.
Good
manners are a lot more than please and thank you. Observe thoughtfully, take
mental notes and remember the thoughts and feelings you have about people who
really do have impeccable manners. You’ll soon get the point.
• If
it is to be, I’ll always take my good manners with me, putting them right out
there for all to see.