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It may not be obvious that this junction was in reality a serious test of the value of good manners, but it most assuredly was. Let’s pursue what may at first seem to be an irrelevant tangent. I will come back on point a little later.
P J O’Rourke thought, “Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.”
The idea seems to be that good manners can and often do cover up the proverbial multitude of sins. As Arthur Schopenhauer put it, “Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax.” It may quickly distort or otherwise transform reality. What seems sincere may merely be the latest example of Abel Stevens’ observation, “Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts.” The point is that in an effort to “be nice,” candor can easily take a backseat to what Emily Post described as “a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.” The desire not to upset or offend takes priority over the responsibility to be honest and straightforward.
Of course, W Somerset Maugham did say, “I don’t think you want too much sincerity in society. It would be like an iron girder in a house of cards.” And Lord Halifax said, “A man that should call everything by its right name would hardly pass the streets without being knocked down as a common enemy.” The conclusion follows that there is an appropriate, middle ground between total honesty and bad manners. One should find that balance between excessive rudeness and being unnecessarily impolite on the one hand and knavery or excessive dishonesty on the other.
Are you tempted to agree with this argument? If so, you are probably aligning with the polite majority of people who behave as if the choice is between candor and insensitive rudeness. When it comes time to choose, they generally lean toward avoiding being seen as rude or as having bad manners. The result is that they are often dishonest, at least somewhat. Personal integrity is partially sacrificed to the god of good manners. When you are thus tempted, Cesare Pavese’s observation is worth considering, “Perfect behavior is born of complete indifference.”
Perhaps the real issue isn’t your honesty, your integrity, or your manners. Rather, it is your discomfort with how you fear others will react to you if you actually say what you think, accurately express your feelings, and practice the candor you profess to value so highly. Often the issue is dealing with the bad manners of other people. As Gabirol put it, “The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones.” the famous unknown author expressed the idea this way, “Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are;” and F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “It’s not a slam at you when people are rude – it’s a slam at the people they’ve met before.” The best conclusion is that there is never a good excuse for bad manners and that “situational integrity” isn’t integrity at all. Calmly and respectfully stand up, speak up, shut up, and sit down and then politely listen, making it immediately evident that you indeed are nice.
I immediately knew that my response to “I don’t care,” was critical. Fortunately, my well-conditioned good manners kept me from being completely candid, prevented me from biting on what I know in retrospect was a well-baited hook. I suspect the union negotiator expected me to either blow up or capitulate by showing that I cared enough for both of us. Either way, he would have won. He would have taken immediate control of the negotiation.
If it was true that he actually didn’t care, what I said or did didn’t matter, since the agency could not accept the Union’s initial offer. If I blew up or capitulated, he took control. If I said nothing, he would have to follow through by firing his weapon to save face.
So how did I respond? The UAW negotiator said, “I don’t care. I just don’t care what you think about the outcome.” I said, “It would probably be easier if you did care, but caring is likely not a requirement for negotiating. Where do you think we might find some room for discussion?” He didn’t have a suggestion, but I mentioned a couple of miner concerns that I thought we might at least be able to discuss.
It was a very difficult and sometimes contentious negotiation, but we eventually settled. For both the agency and the members of the Union, the cost of “I don’t care” wasn’t too high, at least not too high this time.