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29. They are not people others can depend on or trust.
This sign begins to get to the nub of your foster child’s value problems. When he does not have solid values, it is much harder for you to know how he is going to act and what he is going to do. This makes it very tough to have a good relationship and tougher to live with him.
It is a vicious circle. The child’s life-experiences taught him little in the value department. This caused him to be undependable and not trustworthy. Most everyone sees him this way and does not want to have anything to do with him. There is no payoff for him to work to keep relationships he does not have with people who don’t like him anyway.
No, he will not work to get better relationships. He does not have any experience telling him he can get relationships or that having them is worth his effort. He does not change. People keep rejecting him. And it gets worse as time goes on and as he gets older. Around and around the vicious circle goes for him.
Logical and natural consequences will work with a couple of exceptions. First, he will usually think they happened because of his bad luck and not because of his behavior. Taking responsibility is not his thing.
Second, you cannot let everyone reject him. If you do, he is lost into the world of losers. You need to hang in there with him, even though you neither like nor approve of his behavior. Just maybe, he might come to value your relationship more than his unacceptable behavior. It is worth a try. Hanging in there may not be quite the logical thing. But if you were all that logical, you would not be a foster parent anyway. For you, love and caring are at least as important as logic.
30. They do not care if they upset or hurt people.
What would a child be like without values? She would not care about anyone or anything but herself. She might not even care much about herself and about what she becomes. The extreme version of this is not caring if she hurts people. The child has had her humanity taken away. She cannot have normal relationships. Even worse, she has been cut off from any chance to share in a feeling, caring world.
How can you help? You may get this advice. Do not let her know she hurt you. Do not let her get under your skin. If she does, act like she did not. The idea is not to let her know she won.
Here is the point. It is not a win or lose kind of thing for the child. She does not care. She needs to know she hurt you and how much she upset you. You do not let her know by getting angry and hurting back or by withdrawing from her. She needs you to really let her know in adult terms.
Say, “What you said (or did) upset me. It hurts way down inside. It is an awful feeling. It feels like I was just pushed off a cliff and am falling. I am afraid. It may be the worst feeling I have ever had. I am really suffering.”
She likely will say she does not care. Now say, “That makes me feel even worse. Your not caring is worse for me than what happened. You do not need to say or do anything about it. I just want you to know how much I am hurting.”
Will you ever get through to her? It is for sure not trying will never get through to her. She needs your caring and honesty: straight-up and to the point.
31. They get into trouble with the police or courts.
Any child might get into trouble once with the police or have to go to court. It might not be a sign of serious trouble. He learns and does not find himself back in the same fix. This sign is for children who get into trouble over and over again.
If your foster child is in this fix, the court will do what it needs to do. He will get some of those logical and natural consequences. What do you do? Help improve his self-esteem. Work with him on his social skills. Help with the serious learning problems he likely has. You can work with the causes of his behavior and adjustment problems. The courts and community will deal with the results of those problems.