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26. They use illegal drugs.
This is a very complicated problem. Think about it in terms of values: right and wrong, good and bad. Peer pressure is often a strong part of illegal drug use. The child gives in to peer pressure. From a value point of view, here is the idea. If the value of following the law, avoiding dangerous things, and doing what is right is stronger, the youngster says, “No.” If not, peer pressure wins.
What was the child taught about following the law, using alcohol and drugs, and about what will be good for him in the long-term? He values what he was taught. Also, if he has been mistreated and got little respect, his struggle is up-hill. His stress is high and his self-esteem is low. His social skills are limited and his school success poor. It is hard for him to turn down something that might make him feel better and bring some social approval, even if it is not “good for him.”
Don’t react to his drug problem by getting angry. Don’t lecture him. Above all, don’t threaten him. Say, “It will be a great day when you understand you are important enough and valuable enough to treat yourself better. It will be a better day when you do not want to hurt yourself or run the risk of hurting yourself with alcohol and drugs. You deserve better.”
Also keep this point in mind. Don’t do anything to protect him from bad outcomes that his drug use causes. If he has problems with the police, they are his problems. If he gets into trouble at school, it is his trouble. If you cannot put up with his behavior at your home, don’t put up with it. If he needs treatment, be sure he gets treatment. If he cannot control his drug use, be sure it is controlled for him. It may be the police or the court who has to do the controlling. When the line is not drawn firmly and calmly, it is called enabling. Do not be the one who enables his self-destruction.
One more point is important. There are some street-drugs that are very quickly addictive. Even a child who just gives into the temptation to try it once or twice can be almost immediately addicted. The child may be basically alright and get into real trouble before anyone knows what happened. Get the child professional help right now. Do not wait to see if the problem goes away by itself.
27. They think rules and laws are for someone else.
Sometimes children have this problem in a somewhat backward way. They have been so put-down they do not think laws and rules will help and protect them. They just go along with whatever is happening because they are afraid not to go along. They believe they have no control over what happens to them.
For the same reasons, other children take whatever path is available since they believe they are on their own in the jungle. They need you to help them see rules and laws work for them. Teach them to get them to work for them.
More typically, you will see the child who does not have a conscience. He has few values; and those he does have are only those that get him what he thinks he wants. He learned what he was taught and it did not have much to do with laws and rules. For him, the only bad thing is getting caught. If the problem is to this extreme, he likely cannot be helped in a foster home. It is still worth a try anyway.
More common is a child on the value fence. Talk with him about your concerns and set a better example than he has had. Yelling, lecturing, and punishing will not help. They only convince him his view is right. He believes he only needs to get better at not getting caught.
He needs logical and natural consequences. What does this mean? It means, if he gets into trouble at school or in the community, it is his problem. Let him know you care but don’t get him out of trouble. If people do not trust him, don’t tell him they do or try to get them to change. If his behavior causes you not to feel like giving him privileges, don’t give them to him. He will learn, with your help and professional counseling, the down-side of the behavior is worse than the up-side. He loses more than he gains.
28. They have friends who often get into trouble.
This is hard to prevent and harder to deal with. Here is the problem. When children pick their friends, they choose people who they think are like them or are like they want to be. What if he sees himself as a loser? What if he does not think he belongs in the in-group? He will choose his friends from the out-group. These are the youngsters who are having problems and getting into trouble.
He may just hang around with anyone who will accept him or at least not reject him. The out-group is not choosy. They will let anyone hang around who goes along and does not act like he thinks he is better than they are. They are an easy home-base for losers.
This is the problem. Telling him he cannot hang around with those kids does little good. You likely cannot stop him. If you do, he will have no friends. The children you like will not let him into their group. This is just a fact of life in the real world of children. He is only accepted by losers just when his need to belong is strongest. Add his need to belong to the fact that he no longer has his real home, if he ever had one.