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23. They do not follow the rules or behave like most children do.
Your foster child might follow the family rules and do what other family members do. Still, family outsiders may find fault. Following “the rules” depends on which rules are to be followed and the value placed on following them. If they are important, the child will usually follow the rules, whether or not most people see doing so as good. Children do as they are taught.
24. They do not accept the authority of foster parents, teachers, or others in charge.
Understanding this sign when you see it in your foster child can be hard. Why? There is a lot of difference between authority and power. Children learn to respect authority, people in authority, and learn to accept authority. This becomes a value. Power is different. It gets its importance from who is bigger and stronger. Power is something to fear; and people with power are to be feared.
How your foster child sees you, teachers, and other adults is important. Does she see you as people in authority or as people with power? She may say, “You can’t make me do it.” That is what she really means. “You cannot or will not use power to make me do it.” She likely is right.
How can you respond to this? Say, “You are right. Even if I could make you do it, I won’t. I will not treat you that way. I will help you learn it is better for you to do what I ask than to refuse. You can still refuse. Please do what I ask so we do not have to figure out what other choices we have.”
25. They behave in socially inappropriate ways.
Think about whether your foster child really knows the socially appropriate ways to behave. Remember, this takes time. Just telling him is not nearly enough. He needs to try, behave inappropriately, try again, and maybe do it wrong again. Like other children, he also will sometimes act badly even though he knows better. You are looking for successive approximation. This means he comes closer to what you want as time goes on. No one always behaves well. Your goal is only for him to act more appropriately more of the time.