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17. They often have trouble making choices and decisions.
How many choices and decisions does your foster child make in a day? When you stop to think about it, there are a lot. He decides whether to brush his teeth and what clothes to wear to school. His choices include when to talk or stay quiet. He decides who he will hang around with and who he will avoid. Does what his teacher is saying make any difference to him? Will he get even with whoever he thinks got into his stuff? Almost everything in his day requires decisions and choices.
Most signs of school and learning problems have choices and decisions as an ingredient. Give this some thought. Has he had a chance to learn what he needs to know? This does not have much to do with whether he can learn.
Homework is a good example. Greg is twelve and in the sixth grade. He is not doing his homework. Is he lazy? Is he being difficult? Is he not doing it because he does not know how? Is it because he does not have a good place to do it? These are important questions but are not the place to start.
Has Greg had a chance to learn to do his homework? Has he decided it is important? Can he choose a good place and time to do it? Has he learned how to start? Doing homework requires many choices and decisions. It is not common sense or something a child just knows. It is a mix of skills he has to learn before he has them.
Think about problems your foster child is having. Is she having trouble with homework? Does she have problems with other children? Is it a hassle to get her to brush her teeth? Does she have problems listening and paying attention?
What choices and decisions does she have to make? If she made better choices and decisions, would the problem go away? If so, this sign needs your attention.
Especially for foster children, making good choices and decisions may be very hard. Their lives have not taught them much about making decisions. It is not easy for them to learn, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.
The point is this. First help the child learn what to do and how to do it. It is not fair to insist he do it until he knows how. Children do what they know how to do. If there is a problem, they likely do not know how.
This is true for making good choices and decisions. If the child makes bad choices, he likely does not know how to make good ones. Start by teaching him how to decide. Help him understand why it is important.
Helping him understand why you think it is important is the key. Whether he buys-in or not, understanding how you decide is a start. Maybe he will agree and maybe not. Helping him change his priorities can be slow and frustrating for both of you.