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25. They often forget what to do or what people expect.
Real memory problems are uncommon. Forgetting or not remembering to remember is very common. If it only happens once in a while and seldom involves important things, it is no big deal. It is a problem if forgetting is a regular reason for not doing things. It does get to a point when “I forgot,” is not just one of those things.
It is tempting to accuse the child of lying or not paying attention. Either may be true. If so, they are themselves problems needing your attention. More likely are several other explanations.
First, the child did not see the assignment or expectation as important enough to remember. He thought it did not matter that much. Dealing with this is not complicated. It also is a good place to start when you first notice the sign. Talk with your foster child about how important you think the assignment or expectation is. Stress with him how important you think it is for him to treat it as important. This often helps a lot all by itself. Also be sure you are not using “I forgot,” with him or others in the family over things they thought you were going to do. Remembering is a part of caring, respecting each other, and living in a family.
For example, “In our family, we remember to do our work. It is important. Your work is going to school and doing your school work. We expect you to do your work too.”
The next step is to be sure she understands what you expect. When you ask her to do something, have her repeat your request and briefly tell you how she will go about doing whatever it was. Take five minutes for her to explain her homework assignments and describe how she will do them. She might tell you, “I will start on page 144 and read to the end of page 147. Also I will work the nine problems on page 201.” The point is to be sure she knows what to do before you expect her to remember.
The next step if the first ones do not work is to set some clear consequences for not remembering. You might say, “You forget to do your home work a lot. I also know you often forget to clean your room. You say they are important but you do not act like they are. I want to make them a little more important. Here is how I am going to do it. We will work on organizing and scheduling things. You and I are then going to figure out what will happen each time you forget to do your homework or clean your room. There need to be consequences. What should they be? If we cannot decide together, I will decide for us. What do you think?” Positive consequences for remembering are a good idea if you can come up with them. If you use a negative consequence, be careful. It needs to be mild. The point is to help the child remember and not to punish her for forgetting. It also needs to be something you can do daily if necessary and something you will remember. Your forgetting would itself be a problem.
For example, saying she cannot be on the ball team is not good since it is too big. Also, it would punish her more than simply remind her. Here is the key. Keeping her off the ball team is not something you can do or not do depending on whether she remembers. She cannot be on the team only on the days she remembers. Once you have taken her off the team, you have played your only card. You need a little card to play each time she forgets. Along with this, you want her to start remembering and not just give up. That is why you need a little card you can play over and over as needed.
You can help the child develop memory skills. Doing something the same time every day makes it easier to remember. Always doing activities in the same order helps. Making lists will help if there is a way to remember to check the list. For example, put her homework list where she studies. Having a set number of actions to remember makes it easier. For example, “When you get home from school, you have four things to do before you have free time. Let the dog out. Change clothes. Have a snack. Do your homework.”
If your foster child’s memory problems do not improve, a psychological examination is necessary. Also, if a child who has not had memory problems starts having them, he needs to be seen by his doctor.
The rest of the signs in this section usually accompany one or more of the ones already discussed. It is important to think about the earlier signs and the suggestions as you consider those that follow.