Being Parents and Children Together:
The key to being the parent your child needs comes in terms of understanding and responding to your unique child while maintaining the balance between over involvement and under involvement, exercising too much control and providing adequate structure and guidance, influencing too much and not enough, overparenting and underparenting.
The next key comes in terms of modifying and adjusting your parental behavior and parenting style in ways that are responsive to the development and changing interests of your child from infancy into adulthood.
8. How do you manage your child’s environment in ways that take into consideration where he/she is developmentally? What did you do differently when your child was younger? What will you do differently when he/she is older?
9. In what ways does your approach emphasize controlling your child and in what ways does it emphasize controlling your child’s environment, your child’s opportunities?
10. (Including verbal techniques) How do you maximize the use of positive physical techniques – reinforcement – and minimize or eliminate the use of negative physical techniques – punishment – as you influence and manage your child? How do you adjust these techniques to take into account the age of your child?
11. How do you relate to your child emotionally and use his/her sense of attachment to you as you influence and manage him/her? To what extent is the appeal in terms of doing it for you or because you asked? To what extent is your approach based on your being happy or upset and to what extent is it based on what your child sees as being or not being in his/her self-interest?
12. In what ways does your approach to the moral development of your child emphasize rewards and punishment – conditioning – and in what ways does it emphasize simple reasoning, judgment, and an internalized sense of right and wrong, good and bad? In what ways is your approach different for preschool-aged children, grade school-aged children, adolescents, adult children?
13. As your child relates to peers and is involved in other social relationships, how do you use permission and restriction as a way of influencing those involvements? In what ways do you encourage positive involvements and discourage negative involvements? How does your approach take into consideration the age of your child, where your child is developmentally?
14. In what ways does your approach encourage and facilitate the blending of physical, emotional, moral, and social development into the developing sexual interests and involvements of your young person? To what extent does your approach emphasize controlling the sexual activities and involvements of the young person and to what extent does it emphasize faith in your child and in his/her judgment, discrimination, and ability to manage himself/herself?
15. How do you facilitate and encourage the cognitive development of your child? To what extent does your approach emphasize your child’s adopting your values, beliefs, and ways of thinking about things and to what extent does it emphasize his/her independent and developing judgment, reasoning, decision making, and thinking? How do you assure congruence between your approach and the developmental level of your child?
16. As your child moves from childhood into adolescence, how does your parenting approach take into consideration: your increasing inability to physically control your child, the increasing reality that limit setting only works if your child consents to the limits, the continuing need to influence the behavior and actions of your child, the decreasing appeal to him/her of doing things for you and the increasing need for him/her to do things for himself/herself, the increasing moral and value-related influence of peers and society, and your child’s growing autonomy?
17. How do you use discussion and informational support within your relationship with your child, knowing that receptivity to these techniques is at his or her discretion?
18. What do you do to maintain a position where you may provide your child consultation, advice, and guidance on an as needed basis while maximizing the likelihood that he/she will take advantage of these resources available from you?
19. What are you doing now to encourage and facilitate your adult children to maintain a relationship with you within which you may: extend physical support and advice, provide emotional nurturance and understanding, convey moral respect, be involved both as parent and friend, demonstrate acceptance of who they are sexually, and serve as consultant and sounding board?