Relating Long Term (19) – Audio TidBits Podcast

Thanks for joining us for this special episode of the How To Matter podcast. James has developed a series about how

to matter with people with whom you have a long term relationship. You are about to hear one of the episodes from

the series. If you subscribed to the podcast from or from your favorite podcast player, all of the

previous episodes in the series are there for you. Please enjoy this episode now.

Who Do You Respect? – Audio TidBits Podcast

I have heard people say that they have no respect for this person or that individual. I think this generally means that they disapprove of the person’s beliefs, behavior, or some other aspect of who they are or how they behave. Fair enough. For most of us, there are some people we do not want to associate with and who we deplore.


Consider this though. If we were to interact with those people, how would we conduct ourselves? Would we behave disrespectfully? Would we behave in a way that conveys our contempt? Perhaps we would but more likely we would try to avoid the individuals or should that not be possible, we would try to restrain our urge to be overtly disrespectful.


Most of us have few occasions to interact with people we truly disrespect but do frequently interact with people who we can easily disrespect without any conscious intent to do so. We are simply dismissive with them and make no effort to offer them the respect they hope for and likely deserve. Although we may give no thought to it, they know we do not value them and they thus feel (quite validly) disrespected.


In this episode of the Audio Tidbits Podcast, I focus on this tendency in all of us and suggest an alternative approach to everyone and to all of our interactions with others. I suspect you will find yourself thinking about at least one person you know who has this respectfulness with others thing down pat. They are one of those people for whom respectfulness is their middle name, as they say. How do they do it? Please listen to see if the episode offers an important clue.

Have Compatible Expectations – Audio TidBits Podcast

If you do not expect much, you will not be disappointed. That may be what people have in mind when they talk about meaningless relationships. It would seem to follow that high expectations come with meaningful relationships. You and your significant other each have expectations for the other and for your relationship. The question is, then, “What do you expect and are your expectations compatible?”

It will be useful to take time to consider what you expect from each other. You are only interested here in whether the expectations are compatible. Whether either of you wishes to meet a specific expectation is another discussion. The issue now is whether any of the expectations conflict.

For example, if you expect your significant other to be ready to drop everything and go with you at a moment’s notice, there is a potential conflict, especially if you also expect everything completed on schedule, every time. Neither of you can reasonably expect the other to do the impossible.

There are a lot of potential compatibility problems for each of you with what you expect. My thought here is a little less obvious though. It is getting at the point where expectations either blend or conflict. For example, if there is an area of responsibility where each of you expects the other person to take care of it, there is a compatibility problem. If you do not agree about how to deal with a problem, compatibility is an issue. …

Children, Sexual Abuse, and Truth

Whether responsible judgements can be made about things that did or did not happen based on interviews with very young children is a topic that receives a lot of attention. Specifically, the question is whether pre-school children can tell us when they have been sexually abused and whether what they tell us can be believed. This is a complex issue and cannot be answered in simple yes/no terms. Rather, it requires an understanding of child development, an understanding of the kinds of events that prompt concern, and the process that leads to seeing events from the child’s perspective.

The development of children is multidimensional and continuous from birth through adolescence.

“Children have a physical, doing dimension. It incorporates their physical bodies, their potentials and capacities to do and behave, and most of what is visible in terms of their actions and activities. Part of each parent’s role is to help his or her children grow to respect and appreciate their physical abilities and skills, to know how to behave in a variety of situations, and to recognize and utilize their physical capacities and potentials. This physical, doing dimension starts at infancy and is central to kids’ adjustment throughout their ongoing, on-growing journey to adulthood.

“The same level of importance holds for the emotional dimension of children. Here are found feelings, fears and frustrations, sadness and joy, disappointment and excitement, love and hate, fun and futility. Growing children experience all of these emotions and need to learn how to interpret them, how to express them, and how to manage them. For example, kids must learn to express anger without having tantrums, to deal with despair and disappointment without becoming destructively depressed, to express love and joy without getting into harmful or inappropriate relationships. Within this dimension, children must learn to deal with the internal experience of emotions as well as how to express their feelings effectively and appropriately.

“Around the age of four or five the moral, spiritual dimension begins to emerge. Effectively helping children develop a solid sense of right and wrong, good and bad, requires that their parents are clear about their own values and beliefs in these areas. Success in this dimension is critical to success in the social dimension that emerges about the same time. When kids are about five or six, the social dimension becomes dominate and begins to interact with the other developing dimensions. The social dimension embraces the child’s potential to interact with other children and adults and to become socially effective and self-determined.

“By about eleven or twelve, the young person’s emerging sexual dimension begins dynamically interacting with the other developing dimensions. Sexual behavior and attitudes that are appropriate and inappropriate, healthy and unhealthy, effective and ineffective are best conveyed to maturing adolescents by parents who have thought through the issues.

“For younger children, ‘sexual’ behavior normally is not related to interests and interactions associated with ‘adult’ sexuality. Rather, it is related to physical and gender interest and curiosity. If ‘adult’ interests or specifically ‘sexual’ content is present, a specialized consultation is indicated to assess possible sexual abuse or inappropriate sexual experience.”

Expectations for Children – Audio TidBits Podcast

You want your children to become effective, successful adults. Reaching this goal begins with having clear notions about what qualities and characteristics effective and successful adults share. You then encourage them in your children. Alternatively, those qualities and characteristics not found in effective and successful adults should be discouraged.

Most all adult characteristics, good or bad, are seen in children at some stage in their development. Small children, for example, take things that do not belong to them. With adults, this is called stealing. Three- and four-year-old children have temper tantrums as a normal part of their emotional development. If they still have tantrums when they are twenty-five or thirty years old, it is clearly unacceptable. Small children frequently misrepresent what has happened and do not tell parents how things really are. In adults, this is called lying.

Small children are loving and affectionate. Hopefully, they are still that way when they are grown. Small children are spontaneous and enthusiastic. If all goes well, they are still that way when they are adults. Qualities and characteristics desirable or undesirable in adults should be encouraged and discouraged as your children grow and mature.

Getting Into It

As the New Year starts, it’s time to think about getting into it. The “it” is the Audio Tidbits Podcast. I thought it was time to change my approach to the podcast and today seemed like the perfect time to take the new path. Please listen and see what you think. I hope the new path works for you. Perhaps once we both get into it, we will wonder why I haven’t been doing it that way all along. So Happy New Year and enjoy.